Romans 8 says, "... We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." I have heard many people say that, but felt that more than ever tonight. Driving home tonight after a less than uplifting doctor's visit, I cried out in prayer to God. But I literally had nothing in my head, no words came to my mouth, all the hurt was there, but it only came out as a groan. And thank God that is all I had to do. I don't have to put into words what I feel or what I want. Thank God that he knows my every thought and need even before I do.
I thought I had come to terms with the idea that we may never know what happened to Noah. And that was okay. He was the way he was because God made him that way. It was not an accident or a punishment, it just was. But as Ethan and I look to the future of another child, Noah's condition really clouds that lens. All of the questions about Noah turn into percentages of suffering the same loss with another child. Without knowing what caused it no one can say it won't happen again. There are still conversations to be had and questions to ask, but that is weighing heavily on my mind tonight. We left Texas Children's with the impression that this was not genetic and should not affect future pregnancies, but tonight I feel different. All I feel are groans.
On a lighter note, I saw my first real rainbow last night. I have seen many in my lifetime, but now a rainbow has a new meaning. The rainbow is a sign of the covenant between God and life on earth, but the rainbow also reminds me of Noah. It was a beautiful site. It gave me peace and put a smile on my face. Alyssa paints on paper and my Noah paints in the sky.