How was Christmas?

That is a question I have heard many times in the last week. I received several notes from people telling me that they were praying for us through this hard time of the year. And one might say, that I didn't need those prayers because everything went very well. But I know it is because of the prayers that I was able to enjoy this time of year. Thank you.

We (Ethan and I) really had a great Christmas, honestly a Christmas like years past. We added a few new traditions for Noah, and I hope that we continue those for years to come. But I did not have an overwhelming emptiness. I cannot say that for Noah's aunts, uncles or grandparents, but only for myself. And here is what I have discovered.

With so many people implying that this time of year is difficult, I assumed that I would be sad and that I "needed" to be sad. So like grief, when it doesn't happen the way you think, you feel you must be doing something wrong. But to me, December 25, was no different than May 12, the day after Noah died, or Jan 4, today. Each day is a day without Noah. Each day is filled with thoughts of what Noah be doing right now. Each day I visualize his car seat next Alyssa's as I buckle only one child in. Each day I walk past "his" room and think of how it is not being used as I wanted it to be. Each day I wish my life were more hectic because I had two kids, not just one.

So yes, Christmas was different than I wanted it to be. I wanted to see Noah smearing icing all over himself as the cousins decorated cookies together. I wanted to see him eat the paper the way Alyssa did. I wanted to buy him "boy" toys. And I wanted him in the family pictures. But I wanted those things no more than I want him pulling up on my leg as I try to do something "important" on the computer right now. So because I miss his presence everyday, maybe Christmas was not as hard as expected.

Thank you for continuing to think of us. And with God's grace, we are looking forward to new beginnings in 2006.