A Mother's Day

It is Mother's Day, and it is off to a sad start. Ethan and I agreed that this was not going to be a day of celebration, and therefore I am not disappointed in that sense. But today has been very hard and it is only noon. I can't even figure out what is different. Maybe it is that the stress and sadness of the past 5 days are finally catching up with me. Ethan and I have both found ourselves very ... well, depressed I think is the word. I can easily say that I have never experienced this feeling. My life thus far has been very easy, very blessed by my Lord. But I now face something bigger and scarier than I am ready for. I know that my Lord is next to me every minute. I know that not because I can feel it, but because I just know. And I guess that gives me a little strength, but not really. I know that I have probably thousands of people offering prayers on our behalf, and family and friends to lean on, but that does not really give me strength at this point. And though my sweet Alyssa can still make me smile and even laugh, I find no strength in her. Someone, please tell me where do I get it? What do I do to keep my self from such negativity? Feelings of just wanting to run away. Feelings of anger, needing to blame someone.

This morning as I lay in bed with Alyssa, Daddy comes in crying. She looks at me and says, "What Daddy doing?" I tell her that Daddy is sad, that he is crying. We want to bring Noah home. And she understood. She gave her Daddy a kiss and said, "It's alright Daddy." Later in the morning, I am still in bed, Alyssa comes in and sees me crying, "What you doing?" I said Mommy is sad. Alyssa tells me, "I feeling sad, Noah come home, I feel better." It only made me smile. Such a sweet and precious girl we have. Alot of my heart aches for her. We talked so much of Noah in the months before so she would be ready to be a big sister. And now, what do I have to give her? We are taking her up today to see him. And I hope that she will hold him.

Ethan and I pray for a miracle for our Noah several times a day. But I am wondering what should I be praying for? We were both very sad as we spent time with him last night. Sadened because we saw no change. Am I putting too much pressure on God to give me what I want? Am I being selfish? The more I put my trust in him, it seems the more I am let down when he is "the same". Noah is moving much better than in the days before. He will arch is back, raise his arms and legs, squeeze your finger. He also started responding to pain, when you pinch his toes or when the nurse has to suction him out. Which are all great things. I guess I just need patience and to wait on God's timing for our son. But I look around the house, and everything is a reminder of what we do not have. And I am really struggling with that.

The hardest thing is to not look to the future. Not look at where we may be in 6 months if he stays in the state he is in. The doctor is waiting to see if Noah rebuilds his suck and gag reflex so that he may eat. If he does not, he will have to be fed with a tube for the rest of his life. So you think, how do you do that with a 2 year old? How will I be able to go to the store with a baby like this? What about when he is 20? Those thoughts really get me down. So for now, I struggle to take each day as it comes. To deal with today, for tomorrow has enough worries of its own.