Is it 11:00 already?

The days seem so long, but yet so short. And though the last 7 days have been the hardest of my life, I can't believe that they have gone by so fast and my precious boy is a week old. What a week this Earth shown him.

As I sat at home, comforted by a dear, old friend of mine, we talked about the fact that we may never know in our lifetime why God sent our son to us the way he did. I questioned myself to my friend saying, "What if I had been induced 1 or 2 weeks earlier? What if he were born before this "acute trauma" had a chance to happen?" My mind was telling me that I was ready for Noah to be born. Was it a sign? She of course assures me that God's will was done. If he was meant to be born earlier, he would have been. So we struggle with the WHY? HOW? Though I may never understand to the fullest, I have already seen the amazing things that God is doing through Noah. Those who come to the blog often have probably read many of the comments. I have probably received as many in email as well. It is just an amazing thing to see the body of Christ form around our family and around Noah. Noah is bringing hope to others, bringing prayer back, and bringing the actions of Jesus out in so many people. I had 13 emails in my inbox tonight and I did not know a single person who emailed me.... and it wasn't spam. It was 13 people who had heard word of this from someone and wrote incredibly kind and encouraging words to someone they do not know. I truly believe that God is using Noah and, according to many of you, using us as an instrument for his will. Though we struggle, though we are sad, though we are confused, God is using our life for good. And I will echo loudly the words of my husband, "I do not like being an instrument of God's will." But then neither did Jesus.

The days are getting harder as we come to terms with the idea that Noah may never get better. He may never open his eyes or talk or walk, or even eat. And that is hard to think about. We have are "ups" when we are encouraged by our family and friends like you, and our "downs" when the doctors must lay out the facts for us. We try to find a place in the middle to rest. Virgil pointed out to us that we are in a state of grief. Grieving for a baby that we lost. While Noah is alive, we did lose the baby that we were expecting for 9 months. We lost all the hopes and dreams that we had for that baby. I had not thought about it that way, and it helps explain alot of the feelings we have. We still must go through the grieving process for that baby.

I have decided to spend most of Wed and Thurs with Alyssa. I know that she is missing our "old" ways, and I want to give her some reassurance that Mommy and Daddy are still here. I want to spend time with her and love and hold her the way I wish I could with Noah. It is hard to choose which child to spend the day with, but for now I think Alyssa needs it more. We will visit Noah at night once Alyssa is in bed, so please pray for strength and perserverence for the next couple of days. I think they will be long.

God bless all of you who support and love us,
Julie