Remembering

From Noah's Nana:
As the holidays approach I find myself drawn to Noah and the few short days we had with him. It has been 7 months and I try to determine how I should be feeling now. So I am sharing just a few of my thoughts.

First of all, it still hurts. It aches; it rips. It makes my heart feel like it is going to break into pieces. Yet in the midst of all of that, I am so comforted by the presence of God and His hand on me. He lets me yell and cry and ask over and over why this had to happen. And somehow He then sends a peace over me that helps me go on. Thank you, God.

Most people say we are handling the loss with such spiritual faith. And, I guess we are. But each of us in the family have our own road to walk down as we wish Noah was here and try to accept the future without him. Some of us cry, listen to his praise songs, look for things to remind us of him, and share a little of our feelings. Others still need to protect their emotions and prefer to keep their pain private. I believe God understands all of these ways. Just hang on to Him!

Then there is the way our little ones remember Noah. You can't be around Alyssa without having her remind you or anyone she meets that "her brother is in heaven with God." She tells us how much she loves him and misses him and how all our family will get to go see him one day!!!!! The cousins and little family friends talk about him and send him balloons just like Alyssa. They all know he is happy " playing with Jesus." Oh the faith of children!

So as I look to Christmas time, I wish more than anything that Noah was here to be part of the "cousins". It is hard knowing I won't be buying presents for him and watching him roll over or try to crawl or smiling at me as I play with him. But Julie has made it possible for me to outwardly remember him. She got picture frames for each of the grandkids for my tree and there is one of Noah. He is right there on the tree with the rest of them. Thank you, Julie!

The most comforting thought is that God knows exactly how I feel -- And He gave HIS son willingly. How much He loves me and He will wipe away all tears on that day that we get to see our Noah again. In the meantime, we will all go on living and trying to be God's servants -- some days harder than others -- and will thank Him every day for giving Noah to us for even a short time.

To all of you who have prayed for us and continue to do so: Thank you for your love and support. And we pray that Noah's life and death has helped you grow closer to the God who loves you and will always be there for you.

Nana Eller
December, 2005