My Jog

I went for a jog the other day. Exercise always makes me feel better, but I also need to be in shape if we want the summer soccer season to go better than this spring. Since we moved to our new home, I have been walking down a side walk that goes through our neighborhood. It is hard even 3 weeks later to walk down that path. A path I had walked down so many times while pregnant with Noah. Walking to either get in shape for delivery or walking to encourage delivery. Seems ironic to me now. Why would I want that day to come sooner? And of course I had expecting to now be walking this sidewalk with our new double stroller with Alyssa showing all the things she recognizes to her new brother. Whatever I had expected, there I was running down the sidewalk alone, consciously trying to think of nothing. But as I got to the end of the path, I realized the weird analogy that I was in. The sidewalk ends at one point. I was running and see this end in sight. I see that my current path is coming to an end, and I must make a decision. Where am I going? What do I do when I get to this end? The other interesting thing was the cars on the street. I wondered what they were thinking. "Where is this girl going?" "Doesn't she see the path ends?" Why did I care what they were thinking? All of this is a nice analogy of my life right now. On this path of life that clearly has an end, that I am just not recognizing yet. That end has actually already come, Noah's death. I have reached the dead-end and must decide where to go from here. And I am concerned about the people watching me run. Concerned with how they think I am handling this. Am I going to right way? Am I living in the past or am I moving on too soon?

A wise woman has informed me that grief is different for everyone. There are stages and there are things that can be expected, but I have to find my own way through this. And the only way that is right, is my way. It is okay for me to think about Noah everyday, and it is okay if I try to find normal. (Which of course does not exist anymore. What was normal, will never again be normal. So I must find out what normal is now without Noah.) It is okay if I want to talk to Alyssa about her brother. It is okay if I want to make memorials for Noah or hang his picture on the wall. It is okay if I need to protect myself from things or people that may cause me more saddness, like new babies or pregnant women. And it is okay if I just don't want to smile today. The hardest part about this is that the only thing that is normal or okay is what I make it. It would be easier if I could just read a book and someone tell me how to get through this. But I have to live each day and see what works for me that day. And that is where I am now.