Hello, Goodbye
To My Noah,
Hello, Goodbye. Those words from a song, have played in my head since the day you were born. I remember hearing the song for the first time, but I did not understand the emotions that were behind the words I sang. Today is very different. Though I have thought of that song everyday for the last week, I did not play it until today. This IS the hardest thing I have ever had to face. You and I have barely met, and I just don’t want to let go of you. I want to wake up to your beautiful face everyday, I want to see your smile, I want to see you run around with Alyssa, and I want to hold you for more than just a while. But that was not God’s plan. Though I will not experience many things with you, God blessed me with so many precious memories. Sitting by your bedside everyday whispering in your ear, kissing your sweet face, the smell of your skin, holding you in my arms, singing to you, wrapping your tiny fingers around mine when you could not hold them there alone. I look back at our 8 days together and treasure every moment I had with you, and I pray that your sweet face will always stay in my memory.
Noah, you were a sacrifice for this world. God sent you for a reason and you served his kingdom well. Our Lord used your life to bring families together, to strengthen the Body of Christ, and to bring others to their knees in prayer. I truly believe that because of your life, heaven’s population has increased. And when your job here was done, I was finally able to hold you in my arms and see your beautiful face - no wires, no tubes, no nurses. Hold you and pretend that everything was okay for just a moment. We stared at you and talked to you for an hour. We sang Alyssa’s favorite bedtime songs, we told you we loved you, and I gave you some advise for Heaven. Go find your Nanny Conner, she will be waiting for you. If she falls asleep, help her hold her cup of coffee. And Pappy, I am sure he has found his brown recliner in Heaven, and well… just make sure you don’t sit in it. There will be so many welcoming you with loving arms. And when you get there, save us a place.
I kept a journal for you while I was pregnant, and tears came to my eyes today as I read what I wrote 2 days before you were born:
“Pregnancy is a wonderful thing, and in the long run I really don’t care what I have to experience to bring you to this world. I want to see your beautiful face, and I just want to hold your tiny body next to mine. I want to teach you all the things that I have learned in my life so you never have to be hurt or sad. But I have to settle for giving you to God, and letting Him lead and guide you.”
I am amazed that the simple things I wanted, God provided. I was finally able to see your beautiful face, and even if just for a while, I held your tiny body next to mine. Free of this world, you will never have to be hurt or sad. God is good.
The time with you passed too quickly. But I am comforted that when it was time to go, you were at peace, you felt no pain, and you went from my loving arms directly to the arms of your Savior. There is no other place I want you to be, but safe in the arms of our God.
I will never forget you,
Mommy
posted by Julie @ 9:03 PM
13 comments
13 Comments:
Thank you for sharing these most personal and tender thoughts with all of us. Hearing your letters to Noah read at today's funeral service was the most touching moment.
Ethan and Julie
I so missed being at the service today but my thoughts and prayers were with you today as they have been these last 8 days. I'm so glad that you had 8 days of memories to cherish and I know that those 8 days have taught you more than anything else in your life has to this point. You are so right that Noah's life will affect so many people and that those 8 days were truly used by God and will have everlasting changes in so many lives especially your own. We are amazed at the strength and faith that both of you have shown and we know that God is with you and that Noah will always be with you. Remember what the heart has once owned, it shall never lose. Noah's light will always shine brightly in your lives and you will never forget how special he was. I want to leave you with a scripture that has been so important in my life.
"The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finnally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Philippians 4:5-8
Peggy Polvado
Julie,
I do not know how you do it. You are an amazing woman, to have so strong a faith that you can even find these words to say. I know that I am not that strong, and I have so much to learn from your amazing, trusting, faith. I have three young children, and the thought of losing one of them is more than I can bear. When my baby was sick this past year, I sat up night after night in fear that she would leave me. I just watched her breathing all night long. If only I could have had a tiny portion of the peace you have in your hearts, what a difference that would have made when I had been feeling so out of control. I know that your words of wisdom will help other families work through trials with much more faith and feelings of peace. I barely even know you from passing in the halls at church, but even your role on this earth has changed. Noah certainly changed many people's lives, but so have you and Ethan through your testimonies. Your amazing courage to make it through these difficult days with such strength is inspiring.
Susan Christopherson
Thank God for your strength and faith. It is such a powerful example for all of us who have been touched by your family.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you all.
In Christ's Love,
Sarah Bigelow
Noah's service today was so beautiful. I will continue to pray for you as you grieve. Your faith is inspiring. Your Dad's words today make me want to be a better mother to my two kids. Throughout the entire service, Jesus Christ was lifted up. Just like the pastor said today, I have not seen Noah, but I fell in love with him immediately. He was such a beautiful baby.
Julie,
That is just beautiful. I appreciate you sharing your heart with us. It makes me feel peaceful to read your thoughts and know that you trust that God is always in control.
We continue in prayer.
With much love,
Lisa C.
The Christians at Skillman Church of Christ here in Dallas, Texas have you in our thoughts and prayers. Your blog entry, Julie, is an awesome testimony of your continual faith in Lord. We cry with you and at the same time praise with you.
Julie, you amaze and inspire me. With tears streaming down my face Ben and I read your entry and want to be with you guys. I know that you are held close in the arms of your family. You are so strong and we are praying continued strength and wisdom for you and Ethan and Alyssa. We love you--
Amanda and Ben
Julie,
Jim and I have been out of the state for the last 4 days, but we kept up with your web site just as we did in the days before. You and yours are such and inspiration to us. The feelings you share and the thoughts you have are so real, sweet and very sad, but the picture of Noah and Jesus together offer a healing sensation for all of us who believe in the Savior. Most of all, I think your story will reach unbelievers, and they will fall to their knees with their arms up and their eyes full of tears as they beg for the faith,peace and hope you have within you.
Betty Lawless
Praise the Lord!!!!!
Julie and Ethan,
Yesterday we ate at your table...spritually. I asked Mike as we left,"How is it possible that we received so much from a life so short?"
I never dreamed after thirty-two years I, personally, could find so much closure in another child's service. I closed my eyes and felt all that had so long alluded me. What we did as a family of God is the absolute best thing that we could do for you and you could do for us.
When so many in the world around us no longer hold sacred the gift of life, we were found rejoicing over a life, even a short life. The guilt of omission did not find a home in your church family. I will not ever forget it and I know I will be remembering it to people for a very long time to come.
You and Ethan are so on my heart and I want to be an encouragement to you both. Know that time will make you more able to accept this loss and also know that God has transformed you and that you are now infinitly more useful to His kingdom.
Christ learned obedience through the things that He suffered. We as Christians experience communion with Him through our suffering.
When I wrote to you on Fri. evening I only shared the part of my life that mirrored yours. Now I want to share another part of my life...my brother Gregg.
I was 11 and Jeff was 7 when our brother Gregg was born on Aug. 15, 1962. My mother knew it would be hopeless trying to keep us quiet so she cleverly placed a transitor radio next to Gregg's bed to accustom him to the noise.
She tells us now that was her first clue, he never responded.
Two months after his birth we moved and by then she was pretty sure Gregg was not responding like we had. So after settling into our new home in Texas she took him to the doctor.
All by herself, except for Gregg, the doctor told her, "You do realize he is profoundly brain-damaged, right?" That seems pretty harsh but it paled in comparison to what the doctor who delivered Gregg said to her when they started trying to connect the dots, "Just blame me and get on with your life."
Imagine anyone saying that today. My brother lived to be twenty-three, the last five in a home for children with special needs. I don't believe Gregg ever weighed over 50 pounds. He could not suck on a bottle so all of his fluids were through feeding him Jello. He wore diapers his whole life along with sleeping in a baby bed.
Mother has said that if my grandmother had not moved in with us and cared for Gregg she would not have been able to handle it all. Mother taught school, Gammie cared for Gregg. Gammie and I shared a bedroom, Jeff and Gregg shared a bedroom.
Sundays Mother and Gammie would go to early service and then come home. Daddy, Jeff and I would then go to class and to the late service. It was just too hard on Gregg to take him out and it always resulted i his getting sick.
I mentioned that he spent his last five years in a facility. My parents felt they had no choice for if they did not do it before he turned 19 they would lose the opportunity and then they feared if anything happened to them Gregg would become mine and Jeff's responsibility.
My dad would go to the facility to feed and bathe Gregg because he felt they would be kinder to him if they thought the family would be dropping in. The rest us just couldn't do it, the heart-wrenching situations that we saw left us emotional wrecks.
My parents are saints--everyone tried to get them to put Gregg in a home for as long as he lived at home. But they believed that God would not give them more than they could bear--so they bore.
The day we buried Gregg I wrote on the card with his flowers, "Thank you for everything you taught us."
Because Gregg taught us a lot. But I also told my parents,"Never again do you have to worry about Gregg's needs."
Julie and Ethan, only a mere handful of people stood by at his graveside service because, frankly, many people did not even know of Gregg. I wish more people could have been changed by him and that he could have had a service of celebration as Noah had yesterday.
It truly made us happy yesterday to watch your family witness to us as we affirmed your loss. It made me happy because I know how much it must have made our Lord and Savior happy.
Believe me. You are better people today than you were before May 3, and Noah is the reason why. All things truly can work together for good to those who love the Lord.
We love you,
Nancy and Mike
Julie,
You don't know me, but I am a mom myself who has cried with you and prayed for you as if you were my longtime friend. While God continues to heal you and your family, I know the days and months and years will still be painful at times. I know the reminders will be countless and may hurt you when you least expect it. Please know that when you are hurting, days, months and even years from now, I have prayed for you that day. I won't forget.
Our family also remembers to pray for baby Ira and his family daily.
In Him
Dear Julie, We went out of town on Wednesday morning. I prayed for you while we were away. We just returned last night to the news about Noah. We are so sad and our hearts hurt for you. You are so right that Noah had a huge affect on all of us. We are still praying and mourning with you. Love, Thom and Sandy Besso
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