To Be Held

I am still here. Somehow. I can't believe that it has been over a month since I have seen my boy's face. The time has gone by fast, yet slow. But I am still here. That is all I can do is just be here. I wake up in the morning and decide to just get up, then just take a shower, then get Alyssa and the rest of the day goes on. Life just goes on. I lay in bed most every night and just think of Noah. I can remember everything from his birth to his last breath. And I am thankful that all of that stays in my memory. But things are getting harder I think. (Sorry mom) The first weeks were just trying to make it through, and now as reality sets in, day after day after day, it gets harder to believe. Every morning is a reminder that "damnit, this is my life isn't it?" "This really happened to ME."

I received a copy of Natalie Grant's song, Held. It is a beautiful song that I am beginning to understand more and more each time I listen to it. Some of the words are:

Two months is, too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence
would take a child from his mother while she prays is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
to us who have died to live,
it's unfair.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
and you survive.
This is what it is to be loved,
and to know that the promise was
when everything fell we'd be held.

My point? The first dozen times I listened to the song, I focused on the first part of the song. My son is gone. You did not heal him. Why would you take him from a family who is praying? And this is how I feel, because the sacred in my life is gone. But as I continued to listen my heart was softened to the other message of this song. No where does it say that we would be rescued of pain, saved from nightmares. All He told us is that when everything fell apart, we would be held and loved. Does that make things better? No. But it reminds me that He is there, and if all He can do for me right now is hold me, then that is enough. It has to be because no one is giving me anything better. God only gives us what we can handle and I am handling it. The tears come alot easier for me now than they used to, but I am still here.